I'm a jerk.

I was going to write about the end of my loop through Rajasthan, then I was going to write about Amritsar. But here I am in Varanasi, on the banks of the Ganges River. It’s one of the oldest cities on earth and considered the spiritual center of India. Yesterday I traveled from Amritsar in the northern state of Punjab to Delhi by train and then flew to Varanasi. I had arranged with the hotel to pick me up. When I landed, I walked outside and read all the signs. None with my name, so I went back in. I was out of rupee on my phone and couldn’t re-up until Monday when the Airtel store opened, so I was considering my options when one of the porters, Sanjay, walked up and asked if I was stuck. I told him what was happening, he pulls out his phone and calls the agent in Delhi that helped me book the room. After a rapid-fire exchange in Hindi, he says a car is on it’s way and goes back to work carrying other people’s stuff. A little while later, he comes by and asks what hotel I’m staying at. I tell him. He calls the hotel, more Hindi, more “A car is on it’s way.” About ten minutes later, I see him walking through the crowd on his phone, he walks up to me and hands me his phone. He says, “It’s your hotel, he call me.” And walks off, leaving his phone with me, saying he’ll be back later. The man at the other end apologies profusely, “I am so sorry sir. It is Holi and my driver is drink too much viskey and can’t drive.” Fair enough, hard to be upset when a business is honest with you about the situation. He asks me to get a cab and he’ll reimburse me. Sanjay comes back and says cabs are hard to come by, “It’s Holi.” An hour goes by and I see Sanjay pushing through the crowd. “Your car is here. Happy Holi.” I go outside and Chandar tells me he’s so sorry for the confusion and puts my bags in the car. “I am home having Holi with my family, my boss call and he say to me to come to airport now.” I wasn’t listening; I was over the wait, the delays, the inefficiencies… I just wanted to get to the hotel and experience what was left of Holi, which was why I’d come to Varanasi when I did. I wanted to experience it like they did, but instead, I was waiting for them and missing my time. Chandar asked me to please sit in the car and he would be back in two minutes. He was sorry. Just two minutes. So I sat and waited. Two minutes became five, five became ten, I looked around. I could see Chandar standing in a group of men talking. Ten became fifteen and he was still talking to these men. I got out of the car and walked over to the group. “Can you unlock the trunk? I’d like to get my stuff out of the car and then I’ll find a cab while you visit.” He begged me, “Please, no sir. Please, only two minute.” I said to him and the group, “I’m tired of waiting. I sat for two hours waiting for my ride, now I’ve been sitting in the car for twenty minutes. I just want to get to my hotel. You want to talk, give me my stuff and I’ll go my own way. Thats it. I just want to leave.” And with that, he and another man walked me to the car and the three of us got in. Chandar said, “Please sir, I am so sorry. This is my boss, he ask me to wait.” I looked at the boss with contempt and gave a “Yeah…” when he introduced himself as I turned my back to him.

The drive in has me in front steaming, Chandar driving and Boss in back. Chandar asks if its ok if he drops Boss off. We leave Lal Bahadur Shastri International and head towards town, the two of them talking in Hindi. Boss wants to know why I was upset. I go over it again. He says it’s Holi, cabs are expensive tonight. I turned my head half way, he doesn’t deserve eye contact. I tell him I don’t care, I’ll pay whatever it takes to get out of the airport if he can’t do it. For the first part of the drive, Chandar isn’t getting a tip. I’m staring straight ahead running through the conversation we’ll be having when I tell him, “No service. I had to wait a long time.” He’s asking me something. “Sir? You like tea or water or something?” He has a really kind voice and a sweet face and I realize he’s sincere. He wants to know if he can get me anything. I throttle back and take a breath. He’s being civil, I need to be too. “No thank you.” As we’re driving along, he slows down in the middle of an intersection. I look up the street and my very first thought is that it looks so destitute. As I’m looking at the dilapidated buildings, he says, “That is my home sir. If we time, I would like take you to my house for meet my family for Holi with us.” I ask about his family. In his soft voice, “Sir my babies is very beautiful. I have beautiful wife and two beautiful girl and beautiful boy. My family is beautiful.”

We veer into oncoming traffic, everyone moves except the cows and Boss gets out. He comes to my window and apologizes. “Happy Holi.” As his door closes, Chandar turns to me. “Sir, I am poor man. I am poor, but not cheat. I am so sorry. My boss, he call me and make me go. I am having Holi and I go.”

I am having Holi and he make me go…

All this guy wanted was to get back to his family and celebrate Holi. He wasn’t trying to ruin my time, he wasn’t trying to be inconsiderate. I’m mad because I sat on my ass and waited. I waited, while a guy who carries other people’s stuff for them called for me, because I was out of rupee. While this man with the sweet voice and kind face was torn from his beautiful family. Because I was waiting…

I don’t know what went wrong, I don’t know why I waited, I don’t know why Chandar was talking to those men while I was sitting the car. All I know is I was being a jerk. I asked Chandar about his family, about his life, his faith. I wanted to give him a chance to share with me what made him happy, what made hime proud. The crowds for Holi were so thick, it took forever to navigate the people, cows and scooters. When we got to the hotel, Chandar apologized again. I said, “Chandar, I am sorry for being angry. I was wrong.” My bag was bigger than he was, but he got it into the hotel. I had to pay him 1,100 rupee for the ride. That was the arrangement with Boss. I had a 2,000 note and he made change, returning my 900 with the most heartfelt apologies. I took the change he gave me and gave it back to him, pressing it into his hand. He said, “No sir! No! I no give good service! I am so sorry!” And he tried to push away. I took his hand, pressed the money into it and closed his hand around the cash. I put my hand on his shoulder and told him, “I’m sorry about the way I acted, I forgive you. Everything is ok. Now take this and hurry back to your beautiful family.” His face lift up, he smiled so big and in his soft voice, he said, “My family is very beautiful.”

Happy Holi.